Guide dogs..

People keep asking me when i’m getting a new dog, i’m getting so sick of telling them i’m not ready yet….it’s been 8 months since Freya passed, i’ve always said i’d give it a year and then adopt another but the closer to that year we get, the less ready i feel. 

A week ago i was in town and came across a couple of people standing by a stall with a big dog teddy thing, naturally this intrigued me so i went to talk to them. It turns out they were there to try to get people to sponser dogs which were being trained to become guide dogs for blind teenagers. I spoke to the woman for a bit and decided that sponsering a puppy would be a good idea. It’s for a great cause and only £8 a month so why not?! I chose to sponser ‘Truffle’ a beautiful 6 week old bundle of fluff. I can’t wait to see updats about her progress. I’m sure Freya would be happy with the decision i made too 🙂

Duke

So tomorrow it will be 6 whole months since Freya passed. It’s been 6 months of a few highs but many, many lows! 

This past week i’ve been taking care of my friends’ dog, Duke. A 3 year old (hyperactive) Staffy. Don’t get me wrong, Duke’s lovely, but he is HECTIC! Also this is the first time since Freya that i’ve looked after a dog longer than a day. Looking after Duke is like looking after 50 Freya’s lol. But we’ve both survived it, it’s Saturday night now and my friend’s home on Monday afternoon…not long left….phew! 

The past week has made me realise i am NOT ready for another dog yet. I knew i wasn’t anyway, this just confirmed it for me. It’s made me miss and think of Freya even more than usual, if that’s possible!

So, what else is happening? I’m still using heroin…i guess it’s tapered off slightly….2 bags a day instead of 3….i mean, even 3 is much better than my habit a couple of years back, i was doing an 8th a day then…i think i’m doing ok in that way. But i still do want to be off it completely. The 100ml of methodone needs to be gone aswell. I know i’ll have to go into all my ‘crap’ soon aswell, i don’t think i’ll be able to put my drug worker off for much longer. Hmm, She wants to save the world and everybody in it…it doesn’t work that way. Some people don’t want saving, some people don’t NEED saving. Hopefully i will get funding for the detox and rehab.

Dad wants me to go to his in America for a month next summer aswell. I do want to. It’s been ages since i’ve seen dad…almost 2 years, and even though we talk on the phone, it’s not the same!

More thinking i guess….Let’s see what happens!

5 months

So, it’s almost 5 months since Freya passed. I’m using more gear than i have in years and i feel shit! 

I guess i have a lot to lose now. Wendy and Arthur want to be part of my life…my family. I don’t know if that’s what i want though.

My drug worker’s going to get me into rehab, 12 long weeks. It’s what i need to do though, and then get the fuck away from here. Maybe to dad’s. I can stay in America for 6 months so that’s an option.

Whatever i choose, stopping this shit has got to be the first thing. I can end up in the same state as i was before. I don’t want to!

55 days…

Well, it’s now been 55 days since i lost my one true love. It’s been the worst time of my life.  I spend almost every waking minute thinking about my girl. Saturday was the first sunny/warm day of the year. I found myself thinking about Freya. How she used to lay in the garden in the sun and follow the sun for the best part of the day. As the moved moved across the sky, so Freya would move around the garden, always making sure she was right in the path of the sun’s rays. Silly things like that made her MY girl!

I find it’s easier to talk to people about her now aswell. Until i meet someone that doesn’t know she’s passed. Like today, I was walking home with Lizz and the guy that used to give me poop bags for Freya stopped me to say he would drop some more off. He obviously didn’t know so i told him and found myself getting upset all over again, even though a minute or 2 before that i’d been laughing at burning my tongue on the hot takeaway coffee. I cried myself to sleep last night aswell. Not sure what started me off, i just remember looking at the photo of her by my bed and feeling tears welling in my eyes. Night time is when i miss her most. Night time was OUR time. She would lay on the sofa with me and put her head in my lap then fall to sleep, then i’d need the toilet but would hold it in as long as i possibly could so that i didn’t have to move Freya and wake her. Or bedtime…she knew that was when she’d get her massage or i’d check her for fleas, cuts, lumps etc. That was our ‘hands on’ time. She would jump on the bed and lie horizontally on her right side to start with. She knew that was how we started. My clever girl! Yes. Night time is definitely when i miss her the most. I still snuggle up to her Eeyore that wears her collar and i kiss her photo before i lie down and tell her that i love and miss her, or i’ll have a little chat with her. Just like i did when she was alive.

Debi and Breanne sent me a beautiful gift last week. A necklace with a clear round locket. Inside was a bone, a heart with “in memory” engraved, a ‘F’ and a little blue heart. That was so thoughtful and kind of them. I cried as soon as i opened the box. I will treasure that necklace forever 🙂

What else…Hmm. Well, i’ve been using gear again…a lot of gear in fact! It seems as though every bit of money i have is being spent on that shit! I wish i didn’t. I wish i could just say “no, fuck this. This is NOT what i want!” I do want to move away. Away from Newtown. Away from all the lying, cheating 2-faced assholes! Away from the people that say they’re your friend but slag you off to other people. Or call you sly and selfish because you don’t go running after them while you’re grieving. But as the saying goes: “keep your friends close, but your enemies closer”. That’s definitely how it is here. I don’t trust a single one! Actually, that’s not right. I trust Joanne which is a bit surprising really considering we’ve only really been friends a few weeks. We laugh now at how she used to dislike me because her daughters used to come to my flat in Trehafren. She was the only ‘friend’ that came to see me, or at lease phoned, everyday after Freya passed. Just to check how i was. So thank you, Joanne. That means a lot!

On 30th May i will be getting ‘Freya’ and a (small) paw print tattooed on the side of my neck. Yes, i know it will be very painful there, however, Freya will be worth every second of the pain. Lizz said she’ll come with me, but i doubt it. She said that about the ‘OM’ i got in January but then she didn’t come. I could do with having someone there while i have it done. We’ll see!

So, today’s April 24th 2013. I would love to be able to say, exactly a year from now, that i’m clean…completely clean (meaning not even a methodone script). That’s my goal! For Freya!

19 days on…

 

It’s been 19 days since Freya passed. I guess it’s getting…not easier…but i’m coping better. I still miss her like crazy. I  guess i always will. I’ve spoke to friends that have lost dogs years ago and they say they still think about their dogs and miss them every day. I still speak to her throughout the day & have her collar on Eeyore, they never leave my side while i’m in the house either. I was thinking of getting some kind of plaque to go on or by her grave, maybe get Bobby & Lucy on there aswell as they’re all buried next to each other.  My poor baby! I still can’t believe she’s gone. I cry when ever people talk about her to me. I know that one day i’ll be able to talk about her to people and i won’t cry, but at the moment it’s killing me. I’ve decided for certain that i will get another dog…not yet though. I want to do a few things first, i want to go to America to see Dad, I won’t be able to do that if i have a dog. I won’t leave any animal in kennels while i go away. It’s not fair. If i make a commitment to look after them for life, that’s what i’ll do. They don’t understand that i want to go away for a couple of weeks like a child would understand!

What else?…hmm, Wendy… I have no idea what’s going to happen there. Maybe something, maybe nothing! She’s a nice girl but i’m not sure if she’s the right girl for me. I haven’t met her since we were kids. But we’ll see. Whatever happens, we’ll stay friends! I don’t think i’m ready for another serious relationship just yet. I don’t want to be pressured into getting serious with her. Especially when there are other women i like. Too much hassle really. Especially while i’m still using gear aswell…can’t believe i’ve been using so much lately…i think that’s probably because i told myself i wouldn’t use again this year…put too much pressure on myself and that’s all i want to do now! Fucking hell Rhian! Oh well…I have to get clean soon if i want to make some dollar. Hopefully Tyrone will stay true to his word and actually help me to get that stuff to sell. I want to go to Cornwall to live, but i suppose it’s up to him now, and Sarah of course. If Sarah says “No” then he won’t want to go. Anyway, he’s a Newtown boy, he loves it here! Again, too much hassle! This is why i like to be alone…not having to depend on anyone else! Just an easy life. Me, Freya….that’s all i needed!

And now, to top everything off, PDAC have pout my back on to daily pickup for my methodone. Having to go there every fucking day is a pain in the ass! That new doctor at clinic….GRRR! He’s a complete cunt! And him telling Joanne that she must be selling drugs to have been on gear this long…where the fuck does he get off saying that to someone! She works, she has her own business! We’re not all scum that mug people, do burglaries etc. Some of us are actually nice and have been bought up decent…we just use gear! It’s not a big deal, except for when people like that fucking doctor and Linda, make it a big deal! Wankers!!

10 days on….

Well, it’s been 10 days since i lost the love of my life. My fur-baby, Freya!

I guess i’m getting used to her not being here, but it’s not getting any easier. I’ve cried like a baby every single day. I cry when i wake up, i cry throughout the day, i cry when people ask me about her/how i’m doing etc. I cry when i go to bed and look at her photo. I wonder when i’ll stop crying?!

I’ve been surprised by people since Freya passed. Even more surprised than usual…..People that i thought would be around haven’t been. People that i didn’t expect to be, haven’t been able to do enough. Apparently you find out who are your true friends when something bad happens in your life. It’s true, i found out! So-called friends that have called me selfish for not jumping when they asked the day after Freya passed…seriously! My girl had just died and a so-called ‘mate’ wanted me to run around after her and her boyfriend! It’s not gonna happen love! And then someone that i didn’t really know too well…she’s turned out to be an absolute star! Calling me every day to check how i am. Bringing me things….just little stuff that have made such a difference, I’m so grateful for her…thank you Joanne!

Freya visited me yesterday morning. When she was still here we used to play around in the morning while i was getting dressed…i’d throw my clothes over head and she’d run around like a mad thing and would always end up with my bra.Yesterday i  was getting dressed and put all my clothes on my bed, when it came to putting my bra on i couldn’t find it…Freya, you little bugger! I checked everywhere then found it where i’d already looked haha…Love my playful girl!

I have a new tattoo booked for 31st May…i wanted to have Freya’s foot print but she died before i got to take the print. I’m thinking of getting her portrait and her name now instead. My little girl, with me forever!

My aunt…the one that helped me when Freya died, had to have one of her cats put to sleep on Friday. Her kidneys had failed. It’s been such a horrible year so far. They’ve buried the cat, Lucy, next to Freya and Bobby in their garden. I need to go there to see Freya this week, i’ll go on Friday when Angie’s not working.

Also i was told over the weekend that William’s murderer is going to be released on April 22nd. Not the news any of us were hoping for, but he’s been in jail since 1996 so i guess he’s ‘served his sentence’ in the eyes of the law. Fucking brilliant!! 

So, like i said, it’s been a cruel year so far. I really hope it gets better…can it get any worse? I suppose so….but i hope not!

Fingers crossed!

RIP Freya

This is my first blog. I guess it’s just for me, i’m not good at talking to people about how i’m feeling, i’ve tried to keep diaries but usually end up doodling all over them. So, i’ll try a blog.

Last Friday (1st March 2013) my dog died, Very suddenly. One minute we were playing around, the next she was gone. It was that quick! She was 10 years old. People tell me that she was a good age, that doesn’t help though. Freya was a rescue dog. We got her in Feb 2006 from Dog’s Trust, Roden. I didn’t actually want a dog at the time but my wife (we’re separated) did. 2 months after we adopted her i started some particulary harsh treatment for Hepatitis C and was confined to bed a lot during the 6 months that i was taking the medication. Freya stayed with me the whole time so obviously we bonded. After my wife and i separated in 2008, Freya stayed with me. She became my whole life. My life really did revolve around her, like a parent’s life revolves around their child. We went through a lot together, including homelessness.

The day she died was just like any other, we got up, went for a walk & watched some TV. I took her out to go to the toilet just before mid-day and gave her a treat when we got back in. A few minutes after that she started shaking and making a very strange noise, i thought she was choking. I put my hand into her mouth and down her throat but could not find the treat. I tried to call the vet but couldn’t get through so called my aunt & uncle instead, they came straight over but by then Freya, my baby, was gone. We all tried to resuscitate her for almost an hour but there was no signs of life. I didn’t want her to be cut open so i decided against her having an autopsy.

I stayed with Freya for a couple of hours while my aunt & uncle dug her grave in their garden next to the grave of my nan’s dog, Bobby. Bobby and Freya used to play together when they were younger so i thought she would be happy there.

Freya was buried wrapped in her blanket with the very first toy we bought her and a couple  of others she liked, It’s now Tuesday night. These 4 days have been the hardest of my life. I keep getting up to take her out, filling her bowl with water and calling her up onto the sofa to sit with me, like she used to. I’ve put her picture on my bedroom wall, by my bed, so she’s the last thing i see at night & the first thing i see in the morning. Her collar is on a giant Eeyore teddy that she used to lay her head on at night to sleep. Eeyore hasn’t left my side since. 

People have been kind but most don’t understand that she wasn’t ‘just a dog’. I don’t know how i’m going to be able to have a normal life again. I feel so lost right now. I know time is a healer but i don’t want to be healed. I want Freya back. Maybe if Freya’s death hadn’t been so sudden i would be able to cope better. If she had been sick first, if there had been any kind of warning, but there wasn’t. She was taken away from me too quickly, too soon. So for now i will continue to snuggle with Eeyore and stroke her photo every night.

Freya, mummy loves you sweetheart!