This is my first blog. I guess it’s just for me, i’m not good at talking to people about how i’m feeling, i’ve tried to keep diaries but usually end up doodling all over them. So, i’ll try a blog.
Last Friday (1st March 2013) my dog died, Very suddenly. One minute we were playing around, the next she was gone. It was that quick! She was 10 years old. People tell me that she was a good age, that doesn’t help though. Freya was a rescue dog. We got her in Feb 2006 from Dog’s Trust, Roden. I didn’t actually want a dog at the time but my wife (we’re separated) did. 2 months after we adopted her i started some particulary harsh treatment for Hepatitis C and was confined to bed a lot during the 6 months that i was taking the medication. Freya stayed with me the whole time so obviously we bonded. After my wife and i separated in 2008, Freya stayed with me. She became my whole life. My life really did revolve around her, like a parent’s life revolves around their child. We went through a lot together, including homelessness.
The day she died was just like any other, we got up, went for a walk & watched some TV. I took her out to go to the toilet just before mid-day and gave her a treat when we got back in. A few minutes after that she started shaking and making a very strange noise, i thought she was choking. I put my hand into her mouth and down her throat but could not find the treat. I tried to call the vet but couldn’t get through so called my aunt & uncle instead, they came straight over but by then Freya, my baby, was gone. We all tried to resuscitate her for almost an hour but there was no signs of life. I didn’t want her to be cut open so i decided against her having an autopsy.
I stayed with Freya for a couple of hours while my aunt & uncle dug her grave in their garden next to the grave of my nan’s dog, Bobby. Bobby and Freya used to play together when they were younger so i thought she would be happy there.
Freya was buried wrapped in her blanket with the very first toy we bought her and a couple of others she liked, It’s now Tuesday night. These 4 days have been the hardest of my life. I keep getting up to take her out, filling her bowl with water and calling her up onto the sofa to sit with me, like she used to. I’ve put her picture on my bedroom wall, by my bed, so she’s the last thing i see at night & the first thing i see in the morning. Her collar is on a giant Eeyore teddy that she used to lay her head on at night to sleep. Eeyore hasn’t left my side since.
People have been kind but most don’t understand that she wasn’t ‘just a dog’. I don’t know how i’m going to be able to have a normal life again. I feel so lost right now. I know time is a healer but i don’t want to be healed. I want Freya back. Maybe if Freya’s death hadn’t been so sudden i would be able to cope better. If she had been sick first, if there had been any kind of warning, but there wasn’t. She was taken away from me too quickly, too soon. So for now i will continue to snuggle with Eeyore and stroke her photo every night.
Freya, mummy loves you sweetheart!